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Breastfeeding is not “natural”.
All those campaigns about breastfeeding and La Leche League meetings have you believing that as soon as baby is yanked out of your body, they will oh so naturally gravitate towards your boob and just happily latch on. So much that if it doesn’t happen right away, you feel like a complete failure. They never tell you that the baby could have a lip or tongue tie that would prevent them from opening their mouth enough. Or you could have the wrong “type” of nipple and he’s screaming so vehemently you just want to shove a bottle in his mouth and say fuck it. The nipple shield either fell off before I could get him latched on or he would suck on the end of that and pull my nipple so forcefully I was sure it would rip off. And that leads me to…
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Breast pumps can go suck it.
These unholy contraptions would be put to much better use for
tortureenhanced interrogation. I ultimately chose to pump after Ethan and I could not get the hang of breastfeeding. It’s double the work and half as much fun. I got the honor of pumping and THEN feeding him. It’s also a less efficient way of removing milk from the breast, which subconsciously translates into I’m not making enough milk for my baby. What a self-esteem booster. -
Babies can be angelic and the spawn of Satan within the same 2 seconds.
I have held Ethan while he’s merrily clapping to a song when suddenly he decides that slapping my eyes would be much more enjoyable. The open mouth kisses are also super cute until he becomes Hannibal Lecter.
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I have never been so concerned about how much someone ELSE was pooping.
Once we introduced food at six months, Ethan’s body hasn’t always reacted well to it. Sometimes he’s grunting and pushing so hard I fear he’ll be drooling for another reason. Then there are days where the diaper cannot even attempt to contain the carnage. Every evening I get a rundown from our daycare via Tim about how often and the consistency of his poops. Wonderful dinner conversation.
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You can buy him the best toys in the world and he will love the packaging more.
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Already having another child, as in Tim’s case, doesn’t always prepare you for the next one.
My stepson, Matthew, was colicky for several months after he was born. He also chose Tim’s pinky finger over a pacifier. Imagine trying to get him to sleep in his crib. So when Ethan was born and barely made a peep, Tim couldn’t help but be amazed. As a newborn, he slept through house-shaking thunder and vacuuming right next to him. And he LOVES his binky! Which we will regret soon enough.
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No matter how early you start feeding vegetables to babies, they still hate them.
Or at least eating them that is. They find them much better suited for a facial mask or shampoo.
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Telling them to stop doing something only incites maniacal laughter and repeating said behavior.
Almost like the cat who continued to knock over the glass of water while his owner continued to protest.
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The best invention in the world is the NoseFrida Snotsucker.
And not just because I have an affiliate link for it. Have you ever tried getting boogies out of your baby’s nose with that stupid bulb thing? They scream and thrash while you’ve got it up their nose, only to find you didn’t get a thing out. With the NoseFrida, they scream and thrash, but you end up removing the most snot you’ve ever seen at once. Yes, it seems gross that you put the syringe end up to their nostril and then you suck from the other end. However, there is a filter in between should you ever extricate enough nasal mucus to choke a horse.
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After all those sleepless nights, diaper changes, loads of laundry, boogers, and projectile vomit, this year went by just too damn quickly.
Once upon a time, I wasn’t sure that I actually wanted children. Taking care of them as babies can be quite thankless when they can’t verbalize their feelings. You have to take comfort in knowing, or at least hoping, that one day they will
be able towant to say I love you. But when I get home from work and Ethan smiles at my voice, my heart melts. When he naps on me, I know that he trusts me enough to fall asleep in my presence and that he draws comfort from my touch. Everything else fades away in that moment. I can get just as cranky as he does on occasion, yet I love this little boy more than I could ever have imagined. And I want time to slow down so I can revel in his perfection forevermore.
Tell me some of the things you learned the first time you became a mom.
Jessica says
I really enjoyed reading this. Thank you for sharing 🙂
Jaime says
Thanks Jess 🙂
Hil says
OMG. This was awesome!!! I could read this over and over. 7 of these points I remember well. I too had to ditch the the pump, and stop answering La Leche calls once they confirmed I was not worthy of being a new mom 3 months in. But you know what? My son is the 2nd tallest in his class, and smart as a whip, so whatever is in that formula worked pretty well for him. I was, however, not prepared for the projectile vomiting during long car rides to IN. And still to this day, I have a box of white kitchen bags in my car at all times. I also had a change of clothes, extra diapers, and water bottles in my car up until he was 3 or 4. Wink, wink.
Jaime says
Thankfully we have only had 1 blowout in the car before he was on solid food. But we should probably add the trash bags to the diaper bag just in case!
Kendra says
Hahahahahahahahahaha!! I loved your post, and remember those early hellish days you went through. Ethan has the best mommy he could have in you! And…You’re welcome on the snot sucker, I wish I’d been turned on to it sooner! 😉
Jaime says
Ah yes, I forgot to give credit where credit is due. You were definitely the one who convinced me to get the NoseFrida!
Sarah @ 2paws Designs says
Cracking up at so much of this! My second child is now 8 months so I can relate to a lot. I’ve breastfed both my children, but, fully agree – it’s not easy especially the first time when you don’t know what to expect, are overwhelmed, exhausted, and everyone is telling you what to do. Also, the whole “it doesn’t hurt?” is B.S. the first few days (weeks?). Even if you are latching correctly, it does and will hurt in the beginning because your nipples are not used to it. Anyhow, off that. 😉 The first year does fly by. And so do the years after (my son is almost 6!). Hang on to every moment and enjoy it all. Even the hard parts. One of which might be breaking the binky. Don’t wait until 2-1/2 years. That was a mistake I made with my son. My daughter isn’t quite as attached, but hers will be gone by age 2. I learned my lesson! LOL
Jaime says
Thanks Sarah 🙂 I guess we should start dissuading him from using the binky now. Of course, his deafening high-pitched squeals sometimes prevent that.
Maggie says
What a fun read! I love your sense of humor and can totally relate to almost everything you listed! (The only thing I didn’t do was breastfeed.) My son is six months old and I’ve already caught myself crying about him growing up! Time does go way too fast, even with all the little nuances in between. I’ve been working on loving and enjoying the small things and every second I have with my baby. Good luck with year number two! 🙂
Jaime says
Thanks Maggie! 🙂
Jeannie says
Jaime, I hear you on this! (Found you on the SITS link-up today.) I have 2 girls ages 4 and 2, and I remember being a new mom and feeling very similarly to what you described here. In fact, I really appreciate your authenticity about breastfeeding. I struggled with that with both of my girls and initially felt like a failure. Now I sit here, scratch my head, and think, “How many moms ask whether or not they breastfed their children once they are grown up?” Not a conversation I’m aware of! I love your humor in making all things baby a little less maddening, too.
Jaime says
Thank you Jeannie 🙂 I’ve also wondered if other moms ask each other if they breastfed their kids after they have grown up. It’s not a conversation I picture happening very often!
Megan Swanek (@MrsSwanek) says
i’m the Mom of a 3 week old i was lucky enough to have through IVF. Happy to have found your blog, and as I sit here feeding her formula, have to say I couldn’t agree more with the first two!
Jaime says
Congratulations on your new babe! 🙂 It’s freeing to give yourself permission to feed her formula, isn’t it?! Ethan is growing very well and I know that I did the right thing for him. Just as you are doing for your sweet little girl.
Crystal Green says
This is truly a great list of things to have your baby teach you. Enjoy your time with him while he’s this little. I only got to do it with my daughter and I’m so utterly glad I had it. I wish I could have a rewind and do it with my two boys too. However, I am enjoying the years they are in right now.
Jaime says
Thanks Crystal 🙂 I’m trying to stay in the moments with him and not fret about how much I’m doing right and wrong. Makes it hard when he’s being a PITA, but hey, he’s a boy. He can’t help it.